Just Say No: The Importance of Setting Boundaries

3 minute read

It seems the easiest thing in the world for some people: Someone asks them out to dinner and they’ll say, “No, I don’t feel like it. Another day.” Or a boss will give them more work and they’ll say “I can’t do that and still deliver on my current work.” Perhaps a profligate friend will ask to borrow money and they’ll say “Sorry, if I lend you money it’s going to affect our friendship, so I make it a practice never to lend to any friends.”

These folks are the lucky ones. They have no problem stating what they want, what they’re willing to do, and what they’re not willing to do. They’re not afraid of being seen as rude, or losing a friend, or feeling selfish by putting their own needs first. They’re able to say ‘no’ in a way that makes the other person feel fine about it, so they’re not seen as rude, don’t lose friends and don’t feel selfish. If you’re one of those people, then you can stop reading this article now (unless you want to see what life is like for mere mortals).

Of course there are times when it’s not appropriate to stand up for yourself. If your company is laying off workers, you take whatever workload your boss is giving you, smile and ask for more. Or if the friend that’s asking to borrow money lent some to you last year, and not lending would be the end of the friendship.

But for those of us that have trouble saying no, it’s not just once in a while that we find ourselves forced into doing something we don’t want, or sometimes tolerating behavior from others that we don’t like. It’s not an occasional intrusion into our life: It’s an everyday occurrence. And when that happens, there is going to be trouble, as my client Alexa demonstrated.

Alexa had an enormous number of friends. Everybody liked her, and she had more dinner invitations than she could handle. If anyone had a problem, Alexa would jump in to help sort things out. If friends visited from overseas, she’d treat them to dinner, and if those friends introduced other overseas friends to Alexa, she’d treat them to dinner too. Although not the most senior person in the company, her colleagues knew that Alexa was trusted by the owner, and would beg her for help on their projects, help which was never refused. Alexa was the confidant of the owner who would call her a dozen times a day, right through evenings and weekends. One of her vacations was cut short by the owner insisting she return for a meeting.

Everyone wanted a piece of Alexa. But this didn’t make her feel respected, appreciated and capable. Quite the opposite: she wondered why anyone wanted to be her friend. She felt her abilities were so poor that she was unemployable outside of this company, and that she deserved the pathetic salary she was getting. She was depressed, angry and felt stretched to breaking point.

I tried to persuade Alexa that she didn’t have to pay for everyone’s dinner. That she didn’t have to help everyone who asked. That she didn’t have to answer every call  from the owner. But I made no progress. She felt that her friends would hate her if she didn’t pay, his colleagues would despise her if she didn’t help and the owner would fire her if she didn’t pick up his calls. For a while it seemed that Alexa couldn’t change.

But then, as is often the case in therapy, my client picked something to start working on, something I wouldn’t have guessed was so important: she decided to return a car the owner had loaned her. Somehow, that freed her up to make more changes. She started turning off her phone at night. She no longer automatically reached for the bill when out with friends, said no to colleagues who badgered her for help and eventually went to her boss with a list of demands including a huge salary increase, fully prepared to leave if she didn’t get what she wanted.

And like magic, her depression and anger vanished and she no longer felt stretched to breaking point. She recognized that she was a good friend and that her talent meant she was highly employable.

Why the change? If you can’t say no to others, then you are at the mercy of other people’s needs. Your life is ruled by other people, who, with a casual request can make you do things you don’t want to do and accept situations you don’t want to accept. That’s enraging and depressing, and you’re always busy meeting other people’s needs. When Alexa learned how to say no, she took back control over her life, and gained back her self respect. No wonder she felt so much better!